Thank you, thank you, thank you for the comments yesterday.  I had absolutely no idea that people read this blog every day.  And I cannot imagine why you would read the blog – of a depressed person in a dead-end job at 61 and unable to retire – and be inspired!  But I am grateful.  I am so glad some of you took the (perceived) risk to post a comment.  It meant the world to me.  Could I ask a favor and ask you to comment every now and then?  I despair when I feel like I am writing to no one.  Well, not really no one.  Syd always reads and comments, and I appreciate him so much.

One of my friends from the running group became vegan last summer. At that time, I was inspired to try to be a vegetarian, heavy on the TRY, because I didn’t think I could do it.  Well, I did it.  I have had a couple of lapses, but not many.  I do not miss meat AT ALL.  EVER.  The times I have eaten it have been when there has been nothing else to eat.  This really isn’t a world for vegetarians.

On Saturday I told her I had purchased one of the books she had recommended.  Eat and Run by Scott Jurek the famous vegan ultra-marathoner.  It is a wonderful book and I think it is inspiring me to TRY eating only plant-based food.  Last night as I was reading on the bus, I decided I could go to Whole Foods after I got off the bus and purchase the food to make his chili recipe.  I used to make tofu chili, but this is so much better.  Red beans, black beans, and kidney beans.  Bulgur wheat, that gives it a substantial texture and taste.  It is wonderful.

This morning I didn’t have my typical oatmeal with blueberries and cream.  I had two slices of Ezekiel 4:9 bread, toasted, one with peanut butter, the other with coconut oil and honey.  I am full!  We shall see how this goes today.

I wish I could describe to you how different my view is today.  I feel like myself again.  I feel that life is a possibility today, not a horrendous endless burden.  I have been able to talk with my sponsees openly about this, and have gotten past feeling guilty and horrible for my depression and resulting reluctance to speak to anyone.  Thank God for those women!

I think I am just where I am supposed to be today.  Not that I suddenly love my job and everything about it, but I am happy to be where I am.  Not because it is ideal, but because I am obviously supposed to learn something.  I think I am learning.  When I learn it, I believe the possibility of moving on will open itself up to me.  Until then I will embrace where I am.  As I have heard all these years….

Bloom where you are planted.

Play the ball where it lays.

Play the cards you are dealt.

etc., etc.,…. you get the idea.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.  – Philippians 4:4

I changed my settings for photos over the weekend when I posted the photo of the cross, which I think might be one of the best photos I have ever taken.  I wanted it to be large.  But I haven’t changed it back, and I am in such a hurry I can’t right now.  (could have in the time I wrote that though.  sigh)

I made it through one day as a vegan yesterday.  There were sweet rolls at work, which I was able to pass on.  There was pizza at the hospital when I went to a meeting there, I was also able to pass on that.   I don’t think this is as easy as being a vegetarian, but I will give it a try.

Someone asked about my former preference for a low carb diet.  I pondered that.  I did a low carb, high protein diet for years.  I felt good.  I felt satisfied with the food.  My lipid panels were good.  And my weight was stable, and acceptable.  But I strayed from that last year – actually I went on a crazy diet to lose a quick 20 lbs. – and my diet started staying as the year passed – I didn’t gain the weight back though.

In August, I was suffering terribly with my arthritic hands and back.  I quickly looked into changes I could make to decrease inflammation.  Meat seemed to be a big contributor.  So I quit eating meat.  It helped, really it did.  As I was living without meat, I started to consider the meat industry, what it does to the environment, what they do to the animals, and all the chemicals and hormones I was ingesting when I ate meat.  The weirdest thing was that I didn’t miss meat.  I used to LOVE a steak – at least once a week.  I absolutely do not miss that, and the thought of a bloody piece of meat makes me feel kind of ill.

Now I am thinking that getting rid of dairy might also get rid of some more inflammation.  I would also love to know that I am not contributing to the whole eating animals and their milk and eggs thing.  I am not sure I can do it, but I did it for one day yesterday.

I am running late for work, so I better go.  Thanks again for your comments, they are wonderful.

The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all the saints. Amen.  – Revelation 22:21

This is $78. worth of groceries.  A lot for one person.  But, this new lifestyle (vegan) requires me to go get a few items.  They are not cheap items.  But they will last a long time.  I needed tahini.  Miso.  Spirulina.  Nice green greens.  Coconut oil.  Bulgur wheat.  You get the picture.  So nice to be doing this.

Honestly, it kind of reminds me of when I quit drinking (by the Grace of God).  Everything was different.  It was like something was not exactly missing, but the world tilted about 45 degrees.  Entirely different.

This morning after my run with the running club, we had bagels and coffee.  I took a half a bagel and started spreading cream cheese on it.  Just as quickly as I realized what I was doing, I put the knife full of cream cheese back in the cream cheese container and ate my bagel plain.  I asked myself if I really missed cream cheese, and the amazing answer was “no.”

I got my hair cut this afternoon.  It is now a style I like.  When you cut your hair all off and then change your mind, it takes about a year to change it back.  It is now a cute short cut that will grow into a bob.  For most of my life I have had this haircut.  It looks good on me.  Sometimes it is shorter and sometimes longer.  Sometimes I get some layers carved into it.  And sometimes colors.  Right now it is pretty short, but the layers are slowly being eliminated off the bottom.  The color is mostly my own natural color.  A sandy blonde with gray.  Not one other person in the world can see the gray.  I show them.  I walk outside in the sunshine and show them exactly where it is, and they all shrug.  I think it is a majorly big deal!  I have gray hair!  I lived long enough for this!  Amazing.

It makes me want to cry just to write this stuff.  Do you know why?  Because it is normal life stuff.  I am not dying of depression.  I am not wondering how I will get through this day and tomorrow.  I am not dreading Monday.   I feel as though the person I used to be and accept and even love is back.  I really like her.  I am so happy she is back.   I don’t want to be too loud about it though because I am really fearful that another episode is around the corner, or maybe just another relapse into the same episode.

Enough of that!!!  I am going to Mass tonight at my new church which I love.  I will get there early enough to say Rosary with the ladies.  I think those ladies at daily Mass and with the Rosary beads are all that is keeping this world together sometimes.

Perhaps someday I can be one.

If anyone would like to acquire humility, I can, I think, tell him the first step.  the first step is to realise that one is proud.  And a biggish step too.  At least, nothing whatever can be done before it.  If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.  – C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

I tried the vegan life for 2 weeks.  In that time, I did not feel better.  In fact, I had a perpetual stomach ache.  For the first week, the food seemed delicious and wonderful.  In the second week, I was mourning the loss of cheese and butter.  Yesterday I ate vegan fare at my favorite Thai restaurant.  I couldn’t stop thinking about the delicious tang of eggy pad thai.  Later I was sitting in a meeting praying that no one else could hear the ridiculous noises my guts were making.  I came home and sort of said “screw this, I am eating dairy.”  I ordered a pizza!  I ordered a bottle of root beer with it!  I shoveled the walk and waited for the delivery man to come.  I set the table, and when the pizza arrived, I had to take a picture before I bit into it.  It was heavenly.

The Thai lunch was sort of an interview.  I am not even telling you all what this is, because I have been through so many changes, without actually changing anything,  as of late, I am embarrassed.  I could actually have news within a week.  But I have thought that before!  Here’s what is different about this one…. I had already made up my mind that I was retiring.  Then I got a phone call about a job – they want me for it.  I think it is feasible for me to do this job for a couple of years without killing myself.  But my first reaction was “NO!  I want to retire!”  Someone who was near at the time told me that he believed the phone call was the Holy Spirit talking to me.  Wow.  That stopped me in my tracks.

Now I shall get ready and step out (into the snowy 14 degree morning) in faith that I can survive another day of my current life.  I wonder if I will ever look back at this and say “oh, it really wasn’t THAT bad!”  I guess that is a good survival skill, because you don’t want to dwell too much on the times that were so difficult.  But we shall see – and soon, I hope.

Note:  I haven’t been posting any Biblical verses this week because every one I have chosen has seemed a bit smug, a bit too preachy, whatever – in light of the things going on in this country this week.  For instance, today I wanted to post a line or two from the 23rd Psalm, but then I thought – “I’M walking through valley of the shadow of death?”  Not really.  There are people in Boston who have lost their ability to even walk…. I shan’t complain about walking.  And shouldn’t be complaining about anything else either.

This photo is about a year old.  I wish I had all those yummy veggies and fruit in the house today…. I can make that happen!

Yesterday afternoon I had to get out of this house and away from the television, so I went to a meeting I have never been to before.  For the last 20 years, I have dreamed of being retired and going to meetings whenever the heck I want to.  I sat in that meeting and thought – this is not the life for me.  There was an old man sleeping in the corner, the only sign of life was the hissing of his oxygen – in and out, in and out, in and out.  The man next to me had a hearing aid that must have been malfunctioning because it was making terrible sounds – I guess he could not hear them.  There were three elderly women at the end of the table who sounded like a nest of birds, cooing, giggling, and murmuring approval for the gems of wisdom dripping from the lips of the other people sharing.  The sad, and at the same time encouraging, thing was that most of the people there were newly sober – just out of rehab and full of the psychobabble they learned there.  I know the trick to loving meetings is attending all of the time and coming to love the members… but I am not ready for this group, not yet, not yet.

I was so looking forward to going out with my running group this morning and so disappointed when the alarm rang at 4:30 a.m., and I realized that it would not be wise for me to go – I simply do not feel good at all.  I went back to bed and slept for another three hours.

I am not good at staying at home so when I awoke, I bathed, did my hair & makeup, put on my tightest jeans, a pink top that shows the pink bra underneath, and just a teense of cleavage….. and wondered where the heck I was going.  I changed into my comfy yoga pants, and tried to dream of something I could manufacture to do today – without spending an inordinate amount of money.

I might go to Target to return the USB cord I purchased last week, whole foods for the nori I thought I bought last week, maybe come home and make some rice balls… and maybe by the time I am done with that, I will get ready for Mass and go.

And then again, I might sit here and continue to watch country music videos.  I do not want to watch one more second of news for quite a while.  So I will watch all these young things sing country music and ruefully remember Merle Haggard, George Jones, Tammy Wynette, Emmylou Harris, and even George Strait and Alan Jackson.

I will could up with e-mail – which would take me all day if I really did it justice.

Maybe I’m not getting out of here all day … just going back to bed.

I don’t like being home when I don’t feel good enough to do anything.  But it does make me appreciate my regular busy, busy life.

Thank you Lord for my good health and my busy life.

…About Saturday mornings.  My daughter and I drove to the farmer’s market last night and purchased pickling cucumbers and onions, jars and lids, pickling salt, and new jars of ginger, turmeric, and mustard seeds.  I got up early this morning feeling excited about spending the day doing something I love.

In my morning prayers, I always ask God to help me to be the person he wants me to be, and to do the things he wants me to do.  I usually feel inadequate when I ask these questions, knowing that I am so far from being who I should be.  This morning, I felt an answer come back to me, really I did.  It was “Today you should make pickles.”  It seemed funny, but then I thought – why shouldn’t I make pickles on a Saturday?  It is a perfectly good thing to do.  I started my day feeling good about what I am doing.  Awesome.

I’ve been watering the lawn.  Pulling a few weeds (that I have been looking at for a month at least).  Doing some laundry.  Putting some lye in the bathroom drains that have slowed.  Having breakfast with my daughter.  Slicing the onions and pickles, covering them with salt and ice, and letting them brine.  Being quiet, except for the sound of a fan and the washer and dryer.

It is wonderful to be at home on a Saturday morning.  Doing domestic things that I so love.

And what I haven’t said is that I am not out running this morning.  I have a race next weekend.  I am going to walk it.  I may walk it exceedingly slow.  I may finish last.  I don’t want to do this anymore.

I am happy to be a grandma who spends her weekend cleaning her house, making pickles and jams, knitting, and maybe even pulling one of my unfinished quilts out of a closet.

I remember how I used to love my house.  That feeling has been gone for the years that I have been in constant training for half or full marathons.  When I go out and do that on Sat. a.m., I am toast for the rest of the weekend.  The dirt piles up.  The kitchen sink needs some Comet cleanser.  The floors need a good sweeping and scrubbing.  The furniture gets duller by the week.  And I don’t love my home because it causes me guilt.

Today I am loving it.

It was a grueling week at work.  I don’t like causing grown men to cry.  I don’t like upsetting plans and dreams.  I haven’t liked a lot of what I had to do this week, but I guess that is part of being a manager.  I will be 65 in a little over 3 yeas and I believe I am about to get a decent raise.  Perhaps with the help of some more money and Mr. Dave Ramsey, I can get my affairs in order and actually retire at a normal age.  I really hope so.

For as much as I hated my old job, for many reasons, the thing I didn’t realize is that my brains turned to mush from making no decisions for 17 months, not even what font to use.  The first time someone asked me in my new job to make a decision, I thought my brain would explode.  And now, to have people in and out of my office all day long, asking me this and asking me that, it is good, but I am so out of the practice of doing anything meaningful, it makes me very very very tired.  I will get used to it.  It is very very good, but it is going to take some time to get used to it.

I am so grateful for this life, and for that lovely little message I received this morning.  Thank you God.

Here’s what’s going on today:

• Working this morning – have two meetings I must attend, one of which I am dreading.
• Taking this afternoon off so that I can cook for my son’s birthday celebration tomorrow.
• Getting everything I need for the race tomorrow put together and ready to go.
• The sauce for the lasagna is bubbling away in the crock pot.
• A banana cream pie – my son’s fave, but not mine – cannot be made a day in advance.  Those creepy bananas go brown and slimy – ugh.
• I have Eucharistic Adoration from 5 to 6 tonight.  I think this will be a very very good thing.
• When I go to bed tonight, I will set the alarm for 3 a.m., so that I can get to the mountain town by 5 a.m.  WHY did I register for this race??? WHY?

Lasagna, salad, garlic bread, and banana cream pie.  I started this birthday menu for my son for his 3rd birthday.  You would think that 34 years later he would want something else, but you would be wrong.  That’s it.  I am in a hurry!  Have a nice Friday everyone.

Over the last six or seven weeks since I returned to the hospital, my routines have been changing.  I am going to different grocery stores, a different post office, different restaurants, etc.  These things are bringing back wonderful memories of how happy I used to be.

I am pretty sure I have decided to quit the long distance running (or shuffling) for now.  I am not going to rejoin my running club, even though I love a lot of those people and I do miss them.  But this morning, I woke up when I woke up, without an alarm.  And once awake, I had no where I HAD to be.  It occurred to me that I could drive to the little lake nearby and take a walk around it.  I used to log a lot of miles there, but in little bits at a time.  For now, I am going to do short mileage on a more frequent basis, and if I hate it I won’t do it.  I will find something else.

I have done what a lot of vegetarians end up doing.  Turning into a carbetarian.  After I had eaten the senior pancake plate at IHOP for lunch yesterday, I thought, this insanity must end!  It took until about 4 p.m. for me to start to feel normal again.  On the way home from work, I stopped at the Barnes and Noble I used to go to, and purchased the book “Paleo Diet.”  It will be an utter and complete change from being a vegetarian, but I feel pretty horrible and I am pretty sure it is my crappy diet.  This morning I have eaten 2 eggs with roasted orange and green pepper and tomatoes.  With a peach and nuts for desert.  Yeah, this is good!  I think this may help my failing energy levels.  Oh, and the couple of miles a day will too.

I cooked an organic free-range chicken last night in the crock pot with onions, tomatoes, and mushrooms.  It is time to take it out and break the chicken apart and chill for later.  Yummmmsters.  I haven’t eaten chicken in a year.

If I can do this for 6 months, I will go get another lipid panel and see how it has impacted my levels.  They were good when I had them done last month, but they could be much better.

Everything just feels good this morning.  I don’t have to be anywhere until 3:30 when I need to be at church.  My house is nice and cool on a hot summer’s day and I can sit here and knit if I feel like it!

And here’s another thing:  Last year while I was training for my September half marathon, I was logging a lot of miles on my treadmill.  I would watch old episodes of The Biggest Loser on Hulu Plus because it inspired me.  I watched it yesterday morning and I couldn’t stand it.  When I see Jillian screaming into a 400 lb. man’s face that “You’re my bitch now!”  I am not inspired, I am disgusted.  That is abuse, clear, and simple, and it is NOT OK.  I can see being direct because those people really need help, but not abusive.  The 17 months with an abusive boss must have led me to believe that it was inspirational last year.  It sure as hell is not this year.

THANK YOU GOD.

This is the weirdest baby blanket I have ever knit!  The shower is tomorrow and I am approximately 5/8 done with it after two weeks.  What are the odds I shall have it done tomorrow?  I will try, seriously.  Seriously, I wish she had found out whether this is a girl or a boy.  If it is a boy, she might want to wrap him in these colors, but I think a girl should be swaddled in pink.  And a boy should be wrapped in baby blue.

Here’s another astounding thing I will share:  I feel 100% better after eating meat for a few days.  There is a bounce back in my step.  I wake up and actually want to get out of bed.  I get home from work and actually do things – other than sitting in a chair.  I went to Whole Foods last night and had a long talk with the butcher.  We both agreed that I need “anonymous” meat – the kind that doesn’t look like body parts. (ugh)  I also need meat from animals treated humanely and fed decently.  I bought some delicious ground beef, oh so good.  I think in the cost/benefit analysis, the benefit will outweigh the cost – which is not small.  We shall see.  I am also on a budget.

I wonder if my hair loss if from being a vegetarian.  I wonder what else in the past year has been because of not eating meat.  It was easy to attribute to age and depression… but maybe some of it was a dietary deficiency.  Honestly, I feel at least 10 years younger than I did just a week ago.  I have energy.  Maybe I can run another marathon???  Just kidding.

I always hesitate to write about food in this way.  I get overwhelmed by “dyet” advertisements when I write about it.  I refuse to buy into the American obsession with women being stick figures.  I refuse!  I will eat the way I want to feel the best I can.  That does not involve eating like a glutton or eating crap.  I am a size 12, which apparently is oxen-like to many women.  I think it is fine and healthy.  My doctor agrees.  I am in amazing health for a person of my age.

I better go sit down and knit for a half-hour this morning before I get ready for work.  This is cutting into it…..

This is a photo that would have caused a sickening reaction of fear in me a year ago.  But over the course of a year, I can see that he is being funny/cute when he looks up at me that way.  That’s a wonderful result of having him here.  Do you see the filthy floor in this photo?  That is the not -so-wonderful result of having him here.  Every surface of the house looks like that, no matter how much I try to clean.

This has been a weird week.  I will be very glad to leave work this afternoon for two days off.  But first, I am going downtown for a shower for my former boss.  It will be nice to see some of my old pals.  I wish I could show up looking “fabulous,” but that is not to be.

My hair is horrifying.  I asked my hair stylist for a short layered bob.  I told her I wanted my hair to look like a bubble.  Instead I have a dowdy looking pear shaped bob.  Lamenting about this yesterday to my daughter, she said it was cute, but did admit it is a little bit “librarianish.”  The look is exacerbated  by the sandy brown mixed with grey color.  It’s all gotta go!  Next month I shall be a blonde again!  With short layered hair, dammit!  I wanted to see what color it is, and now I know.  I don’t mind the color per se, but I don’t like the way it makes me look so washed out.

Sorry to be so boring today, but that is my life….   I feel I need to clarify about what I said yesterday about feeling so good by adding meat back into my diet.  That is not all I am doing.  I am also not eating grains or dairy.  I know this is likely not sustainable for me, but my energy is back and my perpetual stomach ache is gone.  I am not complaining about that!

Today my goal is to not have even one conversation that goes crossways.

Yesterday’s breakfast.  Doesn’t that look good?

I am listening to Pandora radio on my television.  My daughter had told me you could set up your own “stations.”  I just felt compelled to do that but didn’t feel like putting any effort into it.  It asked for a favorite artist… is there anyone over 30 years old who could come up with ONE?  Just one?  So, out of the air, I picked Leon Russell.  I love Leon.  And that was it.  I am loving listening to who Pandora thinks should be on a station with Leon.  In a half hour or so I have listened to Steve Ray Vaughn, The Allman Brothers, Joe Cocker, Steve Winwood, and of course, Leon Russell.  Now, this is the kind of oldies I actually listened to!

This morning another discouraging lesson about how the culture of this world/AA has turned, just like a worm.  I went to a very small meeting near my house.  There were four men in their first year, my sponsee, and a man who is nearing 80 years old – who has been sober for 45 years.  Since everyone had shared already, the old guy, who I LOVE, kind of went on and on.  God bless him.  I was happy to listen.  I looked around the room at those jackasses who were yawning, playing with a loud piece of cellophane, cleaning their fingernails, etc.  In other words, not only bored, but really really rude.

Ray Charles

After the meeting, the old guy who I LOVE told me the young ones don’t want to hear what he has to say.  I didn’t argue with him – how could I?  I asked him if he could imagine us yawning when Dick S., Don C., Bob K.. or any of those old guys were talking.  Nope.  Never.  In a million years, NO.  Some of those old guys went on and on too.  One of them had a little box in his throat that made him sound like a robot.  Smoking had taken his voice away, and eventually it took his life.  But we listened, and not just because we were polite.  We listened because we LEARNED from them.

Neil Young

My 80 year old friend is the last of a breed.  All dying of course.  We do that.  Die.

You know what he said this morning while the young know-it-alls were stretching backwards in their chairs, showing their abdomens while yawning?  He said he retired a long time ago.  His retirement income was 1,400.  a month.  He said it wasn’t impressive then and it isn’t much more than that now.  He said he has been fine all these years.  He trusts God.  That’s all his magic is:  trusting God.

Eric Clapton

I have been to his house.  It is lovely.  It is near mine. He has one of those “eccentric” backyards – with a lot of statuary and doo dads.  He and his wife are living on probably less than $2,000 a month.  Wow.  And he tells me it has been OK, and I believe him because I have been watching him since long before he retired.

OK, the spell is broken, they are playing the Rolling Stones.

My sponsor over on the other side of the state has been confronted by the “ladies” in her group telling her she needs to tone her story down.  No one wants to hear that crap.  Don’t talk about the degradation alcohol caused in your life, it might offend someone who probably has no business in Alcoholics Anonymous anyway.  She nicely told them that she is not changing her story and if they don’t like it they can do something that is anatomically impossible.  She is a truthful person.  She is not changing her story.  She has been my sponsor for nearly 20 years and I have utmost respect for her because of her honesty…. among other wonderful qualities.

She says it is just the way it is.  Indeed it is.

But I can drive 37 miles on Sunday morning to be at a meeting where people – all of them – are listened to and cherished.  New people, long-timers, Young, old – whatever.  I wish there were more meetings like that.  A little bit of respect and human kindness goes a long way.  No wonder we have such a good track record of long term sobriety in that group.

While my internet went down and I lost most of this post, I listened to Richie Valans, more Allmans, more Leon Russell, and more Rolling Stones.  I’m over it.  It was fun while it lasted.

I’m watching a Broncos game tonight!  The first one I will have seen so far this season.  I hope they play well, but secretly I am really hoping the Patriots have a great season with my Mr. Tebow.

Oh, happy day!  The first Sunday of football season.  I went to work for a few hours this morning, but made a plan to be home by 2:00 so I could watch the later games.  YAY.  I have sliced potatoes in the oven, and will cook a burger in a minute.  I gave up on Paleo after 2 weeks.  Although I felt pretty good, I love eating and cooking and I didn’t like either on that diet.

Last night I went to the cathedral for the Pray for Peace in Syria vigil.  It was wonderful.  So nice to sit with so many people who took time out of their Saturday night to join together in prayer.  The Archbishop said the Rosary in the first hour.

The fasting wasn’t so great.  I was starving!  I know I shouldn’t complain, but I am kind of big on complaining… and not so good at suffering silently.

I am so happy to be sitting in my living room, watching football on TV, a big slobbering dog at my feet, a ceiling fan above… it is lovely.  I have already begun the Christmas knitting, so I have plenty to do.  Someday this hot weather will stop and I will be even happier.

Most days begin with a bowl of steel cut oats, blueberries, and cream.  And I mean real heavy whipping cream.  As you can see, the quantities of these ingredients are small, but it makes a satisfying breakfast.

I’ve been looking at my Bible Atlas and the wonderful book  ”Then and Now Bible Atlas”  with clear plastic overlays of modern day cities and countries over maps of Biblical times.  Looking particularly at Syria.  When I was at the prayer vigil on Saturday night, I was reading Isaiah, and found myself reading about Syria.  So amazing to be praying for this 21st century place while reading about the same place in the Old Testament.  My thoughts and prayers are consumed with this place.

In my little world, there is much to do today.  It is so good.

Thank you God.

Last night on my way home from work, I drove around the long way, so that I could see the scope of the flooding nearby.  See that lake in the photo?  That wasn’t a lake 2 weeks ago.  That was a park.  I know it is hard to see, but in the right side of the lake, there are tree-tops above the water.  Those are huge cottonwood trees.  My favorite race (which I m not doing this year) is scheduled to be held there 2 weeks from today.  I think at this point, it would have to be a swimming competition.  Or likely it will be canceled.  The Boulder Marathon that was supposed to be tomorrow has been canceled.  The Denver Triathlon, my Olympic distance tri from last summer, is canceled.

The Amtrak train from Denver to the western slope is not running due to damaged tracks.  That is the very train for which I bought two tickets (at what I considered a bit of a steep price) just over a week ago.  They will send you on the bus instead.  I don’t want to take the damn bus!  We will drive I guess if they don’t have the train running by my sister’s visit on Oct. 10.

I know these are small things in the scheme of things, but sometimes we just have our own problems no matter how small they are in the scheme of things.

I tend to walk through my feelings before I jump to solutions.  In my graduate level QA classes, in every project we were admonished to “not jump to solutions.”  First you have to figure out what the problem really is, and really consider how it can be changed or fixed.  Sometimes the problem isn’t what it seems to be on the surface.  It is important to carefully examine it.

Another thing I learned is that we “baby boomers” are big processors.  We need to process things – probably to excess.  I definitely fall into that category.

Yesterday I was devastated.  Absolutely devastated.  I could go over all the reasons why, but it would be boring.  But to summarize (a) I have just found my way out of the worst job situation in my life. (b) I truly almost did not survive it.  If you think this is hyperbole, consider for a moment what can happen when a person is suffering from severe Major Depression. (c) I am now in the best job situation I have ever been in, doing things I love and being given the authority to really change things to the way I want them.  (d) Someone proposed that I “might” go back to that hell hole I think is a miracle I even survived.

I can’t imagine that I would ever say “Oh well, something wonderful will happen, I don’t need to bother feeling these feelings.”

I stopped panicking by yesterday at noon.  I have now come to a level of acceptance.  But that was the solution.  And I couldn’t jump there until I processed the problem.

Here’s what I am grateful for today:

• The new recipe for pork tenderloin currently stewing in the crock pot.
• The overripe bananas that will be banana nut bread by this evening.
• The sound of the washing machine washing bedding for the bed my sister will sleep in while she is here.
• Original Space Bags!!!  That will hold my summer clothes by the end of today, all vacuumed small and placed in the garage.
• Storage stuff I can buy at Target later today for odds and ends, like the 35 rolls of gift wrap I seem to have.
• Being in the swimming pool at 7:30 this morning and still being able to swim a half mile or kilometer even though I haven’t been swimming lately.
• My family, my friends, my health, my home, my job, and my sobriety.

Thank you God.

Browsing through my last 12 months of photos this morning, I found this wonderful photo of a pot of cranberries.  A reminder that it is a week away from Thanksgiving.

My son is coming back from Montana for the holiday and will have the dinner at his house – just before they pack up and leave their house.  It breaks my heart to see what they are doing.   You may have noticed that my son is my pride and joy.  I can’t help it.  He is such a good man.  Quiet, strong, manly.  An honorable soldier through the Iraq war.  And although his life is sort of falling apart due to the injuries sustained in that war, he never complains.  He treats it all like a big adventure.  Have you any idea how hard it is for a veteran who has spent 20 years of his young life in the military to find a job outside of the military?  His jobs are all in other places, all around the world, in war zones.  He found a good job in the US, but it is certainly not here in the same city as his mother, or the rest of his family.  They will now be hundreds of miles farther from his wife’s family.  But they will be off on an adventure.  I remember going off on an adventure when he was an infant – and I have never once regretted it.  Thank God I don’t live in Chicago in close proximity to my ex-husband’s relatives.

Yesterday morning my daughter came up the stairs with the phone glued to her head and tears streaming down her face.  Unfortunately, this is not unusual.  When she got off the phone, I asked her what was wrong.  She said “Bill is strung out on meth.”  Oh dear Lord.  Oh my God.  Bill’s her friend.  Bill has been a good friend.  He was recently here painting my guest bedroom, because she asked him to.   He recently celebrated the hugest victory of his sobriety when he was able to purchase his dream Harley Davidson.  He did a little dance he was so happy.  This huge awkward man, doing crazy little steps, with a song he made up about being clean and how good it was.  Within a few weeks, he was hit by a drunk driver while driving his HD, and was severely injured.  He is now out of the hospital and has convinced himself that meth is the only way of alleviating his pain.  My daughter is devastated.

In the meantime, he is living in the home of another friend.  A friend with small children.  My daughter has told the friend she MUST get Bill out of the house.  A meth addict cannot be trusted, no matter how much you may have trusted the person when he was clean.  But the other friend won’t get him out of his house with his small children.

Another friend called in a panic, her b.f. was driving her to school at 7:30 a.m., and was drunk out of his mind.  She had the drunk guy stop the car so she could call my daughter for help.  Of course, my daughter was out of here like lightening.  Picking up her friend (and her drunk b.f.) along the road.  Lecturing the drunk.  Realizing how pointless that is.

My daughter is brilliant.  She is going to an alanon meeting with two of her friends this week.

I didn’t know if you could truly have a middle child if you have a singleton and a set of twins.  But I do have a classic middle child.  Responsible, successful, quiet, pleasant.  She has had health problems (serious ones), I think they are due to always being the voice of reason in a somewhat tumultuous family.  Thank God she works in my building and I get to see her nearly every day.  We often take a lunch break together, though we seldom eat out!  We go shopping or run errands, it is fun.   When I worked downtown, my heart would break that this was no longer a part of my life.

And now it sounds like I need an alanon meeting.  I am leary of writing about other people.  It is not my right.  And when I do, I worry about boundaries.  I worry about my children as they all move into their mid-thirties and beyond.  Real life settles in.  Some things that may have seemed transitory now are realized to be perhaps permanent.

And I realize how much older I am.  It is life.  And God is good.

I fear I am not interesting at all these days.  But, I also fear I am at my most fascinating when I am at the nadir of despair.  I am not there, thank you Lord Jesus!

In my little world, I am just trying my best to allow God to craft me into the person he wants me to be.  Not anything glamorous, just being nice when I feel like being nasty.  Putting a fake smile on my face if I need to… amazing, no one seems to notice it is as phony as a $3 bill.  Carrying a warm sandwich with me when I leave the house to give to any random person standing at the corner with a sign.  They all answer the same way.  ”Thank you, God bless you.”  Really.  All of them.

These are small little gestures.  But small gestures are better than no gestures.

Today I get to have lunch with a bunch of people I like.  My boss is taking all of her “managers” out to lunch.  With a white elephant gift exchange.  It is hard for me to get this “white elephant” idea, but I have found it can be fun.  The only thing I could find to give is something that she (the boss) gave me years ago.  I don’t think she’ll mind.  I hope.  A little gingerbread man apron with matching oven mitt.  Honestly.  I wrapped it up last night.    If it were anyone other than her I would not do this, but I really think it will be OK with her.  I asked another of the group yesterday what he thought, and he thought it would be fine… he even said it is what white elephant exchanges are all about.  OK.  I don’t really “get” it.

It’s all OK.  All good.  Wearing the world like a loose garment.

Yesterday I walked around a local park, just to see the sun shining on the snow.  Every surface was covered with light, sparkling snow.  It was gorgeous.  I took many photos, and not one of them captured the beauty.

I had just visited a friend in the hospital.  I had to marvel that two weeks prior, at the Sunday morning meeting, she had mentioned that she was having relatively minor surgery the following week and was terrified of a particular potential bad outcome.  She then mentioned that there was a 1% chance of that happening.  She laughed, we laughed.  That’s the way we think, isn’t it?  Well, she did have that outcome.  She nearly died, she had to have another emergency surgery, and is now missing several feet of intestine, and spent several days in ICU.  Even with the most smooth recovery, she will not be able to return to work for probably 90 days and has no way to support herself in the meantime.

My daughter, one of her friends, and his son came over and watched the game.  We had good food and good company.  The rest was not so good.  ’Nuff said.

I couldn’t help but wonder how many people would end up in jail in the hours after the super bowl.  DUI.  Domestic Violence.  Stupid fights.  There was a shooting at one “party” in town.   And yesterday morning at the meeting I looked around and saw so many young men who would experience their first sober super bowl.  It is an amazing experience.  Many of us have never seen (or do not remember) the 4th quarter of the SB prior to getting sober.

All weekend I considered that I could sit down and write, but I was so busy and I kept thinking that on my death bed I will probably never wish I had spent more time blogging.

That is my choice as I sit here.  I could easily get on the treadmill and do 3 miles in the amount of time it takes to write one post.  It would be lovely to have more time than I have, but I am grateful to be busy.  My idle mind is indeed the devil’s workshop.  

So, I shall get on the mill.  And hope to stop thinking about the meeting I will have today.  Dreading, dreading.

I have always called myself “high maintenance,” because it is a big job just to keep me functional.   I am amazed again at how I get thrown completely off course by a deviation.  One little woman screaming at me, and I am dreading going to work.

Trust in God is the only thing.  The ONLY thing.

And then my portion is to pray.  To eat right, food effects my mood.  Exercise regularly.  Quiet time every day.  Sunshine and fresh air.  — These are all things I am not doing well – well, except for praying.  That is a non-negotiable in each day.

And my kitty.  She is such a blessing to me.

There is too much good stuff going on and I am completely and totally overwhelmed.  I have a migraine too.  My left eye is swollen and dripping, which is what happens when I have a migraine.  I feel brain damaged.

The friend who was the best man at my first wedding, now 44 years ago, is coming to have lunch with me.  I cannot wait to see him.  We have stayed in touch all these years.  I have written about him before.  His friendship means the absolute world to me.  I hope that once I get out of this house I will chill out and enjoy our time together.

My nephew, who I adore, is in town and is coming for Easter brunch tomorrow.  I was not going to cook, but now I am.  I feel completely unable to cook right now, but hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get to Easter Mass and still have brunch on the table at 11 or shortly thereafter.

My neighbor decided to fix my fence today.  You all know I love, love, love my neighbor.  Her help has been invaluable to me over the years.  But this morning I had to go tell her that I appreciate her help, more than words can say, but I cannot cannot cannot help her today.  She said that’s OK with her.  I can hear her hammering right now and I just have to be OK with that, because there is no way on God’s green earth that I  can help her in this state and with my schedule.

Yesterday I spoke up about a co-worker and almost immediately regretted it.  I am so worried about him.  Once I spoke up, it was like a light bulb for my boss, and his boss, and then the director.  Everyone has noticed things, but no one has said anything.  I am scared for him.  And I am fighting feeling like I betrayed him.  I know that there is not one tiniest bit of bad intent,  I am just worried and expressed it.   But I remember how I felt last year when my co-workers went to my boss – I was devastated and felt so betrayed.

Too many things rolling around in my addled pain struck brain.  I know that most of them are not only good, but very good.  I will just focus on my breathing and the fact that I am loved.

And thank God for his miracles.

A suddenly typical late spring morning in Colorado.  It wears on a person’s nerves.  My garden is growing like crazy.  I have to pull weeds every single day!  I don’t mind :-)  It is strange to go outside and feel humidity.  I really like the sunny crisp normal semi-arid climate of Colorado, and I am certain it will return.  Then I will complain about drought.

I spent all day Saturday in a church basement working on an icon.  I may be close to finishing it.  Then I will choose another to get done by November when we will be having a “show” in the library of the (Jesuit) university of which I am an alumni.  This is an exciting thing.

Yesterday I found pickling cucumber plants at a local garden shop.  I planted those just beneath a trellis I used to have honeysuckle growing on.  I also planted an acorn squash plant.  I love, love, love watching my garden grow.  With silver belles, and cockle shells, and pretty maids all in a row!

My workouts are going well.  I particularly love the little yoga I am doing each morning on my deck.  I bought a privacy screen to go across the railings, so I now have some lovely privacy from my neighbors.  I did not go out this morning, 43 is too cold for me, and the deck is sopping wet.

I’m looking forward to another week.  I have a huge project at work and I am enjoying it.   This will be the first day since last Wednesday that I won’t be at a church for one reason or another.  Maybe I can be full of church, and the world won’t disturb me so much?  God can do that.  I certainly can’t.

So, as we say in AA, I think I’ll let him!