That’s a pizza I was so impressed with, I took its picture.  Who knows why.  I have no such home-made delight tonight.  I have spent the afternoon in the dentist’s chair, I will wait until the last of the novocaine wears off and order a delivery pizza from the local pizzeria.  It won’t be as good as mine, but it will fill me up tonight.

I’m still not enjoying my job.  It is a long-ass winter.  Record breaking quantities of snow. Nothing like the east coast, but I am sick of it.  I am ready for spring.  I am ready for not working.  I am ready for a different life.

My daughters will be 36 year old on Sunday.   Holy crap.  It seems like yesterday that I was 36!  No, it is 27 years ago.  And my son will be 39 this summer.  My granddaughter will be 15 on the 19th.  Fifteen.  She is a full-blown teenager.  She went to her first high school dance a couple of weeks ago.  Life really moves fast.  Except the getting to retirement part.

This weekend I shall go to a meeting on Saturday morning.  Go to Mass Saturday night with a friend.  Go to dinner after Mass.  Sunday morning, meeting a friend for coffee.  I just need to focus on my free time.

Sorry I don’t have anything great to say.  I’m just tired.

I am canning peaches this morning.  They are gorgeous peaches from Grand Junction.  The only problem is that they are “clingstone” peaches.  They are very difficult to slice in any way that is pretty.  But they sure do taste good.  One website said to slice them the wrong way, and I found that didn’t work any better than slicing them the regular way.  I packed them in their own juice instead of adding sugar.  Looking forward to having unsweetened peaches in the winter.

Though I swore I would never count down days, I am counting days until I retire.  I believe it is 25 work days.  I still have to meet with the retirement people on Thursday and then I will know for sure.  I will give notice on Friday.  I have given unofficial notice to several people who need to know, and the more advance notice I give them, the better.

It has been ugly.  It has been difficult.  I have had very “important” people come and ask me not to leave.  That is gratifying, but has no impact on my decision.

I wake in the night in a panic.  And then I wake in the morning with peace in my soul.  None of my dear friends, even those who are very fiscally conservative, think I shouldn’t retire.  Even my sister thinks this is overdue.  Of course, she thinks I will start another career where I will make “real” money.  I will likely work again, but it will be very casual.  I am so done.

I am very boring and repetitive these days.  This is all I think about.

On Friday, my AA birthday, I went to the funeral of a wife of an AA friend.  It meant a lot to him to look and see a whole church full of AA people at the service.  His wife would not have been so happy about it, but funerals are for the living and not for the dead.  She never liked him going to meetings and she sure didn’t like us as people.  It’s OK.  I Just pray for him.  52 years they were married.   He is very cheerful, but he has always one to insist he is happy when it is clear he is not.  I pray he gets through this with the help of a loving God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I feel that I am on the cusp of a whole new life.  I am very happy about it.  Oh, I know it will have problems, because I am taking me with me.  But it will be different.  I will settle for different at this point.

The kitty has nothing to do with anything, except isn’t she sweet?

I had a great job interview today.  I feel so happy about it.  I actually do want the job now that I have been to their offices and met with them.  We had a fairly jovial interview, with some intense moments.  They had a list of 10 questions, most of which I answered easily.  They frequently said “well, you just covered this in the last question, but….”  I think I was on the right page with them.  Their eyes lit up several times as I was talking.

I won’t know until mid-December.  I may not get the job.  One of the three interviewers was not quite as impressed with me.  And they had others to interview this afternoon.  So, we shall see.

I can feel good about an interview that went well.  And if God wants me to have the job, I will get it.  If not, something else will happen.

Thanksgiving is coming soon.  I will have both of my daughters with me which is a great blessing.  We are going to see the Hunger Games movie at an AMC theater (with the red leather recliners), in the morning, then will come home and quickly assemble dinner.

My menu this year is semi-healthy.  Except I decided to have a ham instead of turkey.  And I will probably bake a pie.  I am actually selling a couple of pies to a friend for Thanksgiving!  We will have roasted brussel sprouts, butternut squash, cranberry sauce, and a salad.

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I tried to write this yesterday and got so frustrated with WordPress I left it and decided to try find the draft this morning.

Last night I could not sleep.  All night a couple of uncomfortable moments from the interview kept playing in my mind.  At 3:00 a.m., I threw in the towel on getting any sleep and just got up.

After being in their offices I really want the job.  I need to let go of it in the next couple of weeks until I hear whether I got it or not.  Yesterday I thought I definitely had it.   In the night, that all changed and I felt that I will never ever get another job in my life.  And I will be destitute and lonely and life will be horrible forever.  My mind is my enemy from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m.

Must let it go.  God is all or he is nothing.  In my life I can decide which I believe.  I definitely believe he is all, and it follows that I will have faith that all is as it should be.

Say a prayer if you are so inclined?  Thank you.

Eggplant Parmigiana with fresh basil from my garden

The photo is not apropos of anything, except it was absolutely delicious and I thought it was pretty too. This was part of my race prep – having something good to eat that required no effort after the race. It was a good choice.

It’s Tuesday morning.  I think I am mostly recovered from the race.  I still feel very good about it.  I do want to mention that the woman I called “the training dementor” was at the race as a volunteer and was incredibly helpful to me.  After the podium finish, she congratulated me.  I started with all the diminishers… oh it’s no big deal… bla bla bla.  She told me it was a big deal and to claim it, to own it.  And I have done that.  It almost hurts to do it because my nature is to minimize anything that might look remotely like an BIG DEAL.   I was taught from the time I was an infant not to boast.  I’m good with that for the most part, but sometimes it is nice to claim something.

I am leaving on Saturday for a 3,000 mile road trip.  By myself.  Yikes.  I am a bit terrified about all that driving.  I think I can do it – obviously – or I wouldn’t have planned it.  I am doing this a different way than I have ever traveled.  I will write about it as I go, or afterward.  I never like to tell the whole wide internet where I will be at any particular time, because you just never know.

I am going to visit my brothers.  I will stay with my oldest brother for a few days.  His two daughters, my nieces, will also be there.  They are 49 and 50 years old.  My eldest bro is 13 years older than me, his eldest daughter is 14 years younger than I am.  I feel like I am somewhere in the middle, I love being with them.  I hope I do OK with being around all these people for a couple of days because my life is one of solitude these days.  After two days, we will head down to see my other brother and my niece in another town.  (I will have my own hotel room, and I think I will need it by then.) He is in a nursing home, but sounds like he is doing better than he has for years… after a nearly fatal illness earlier this year.  When I heard him on the phone sounding strong, I thought – now is the time to go see him.

My third brother is not well and will not be able to join us.  I didn’t expect him to.  His PTSD from Vietnam is so bad, it is just very difficult for him to be with people.  It is so sad because he came back from war and had a very very successful career, but when he retired, all those memories came back to him – with a vengeance.   The last time I saw him was after my sister’s funeral.  We talked about politics in the year of the craziest presidential campaign in history, and we disagreed.  He was so angry with me, he stopped talking to me.  That’s just got to be OK.  I know him, I cannot change him.  I honestly think he is powerless to act differently.   I love him anyway.

I need to get on the ball with planning and packing.  Getting audio books on my phone… getting travel size shampoos, etc…. trying not to buy new clothes… bringing food for the journey… it is all exciting and fun.

And now I am going to mass.  Thank God for daily mass.  It is heaven on earth.

I bought some apples advertised as being “invisible,” a Colorado apple that is supposed to be the best for apple sauce. I love to have home canned apple sauce in the winter, so I thought I would make some. I think I misunderstood the advertisement. I think it probably said these apples are best used for applesauce – meaning they are ultra sour and not good for much else. Not that they make the best applesauce. I had to add much more sugar than I usually do, and I still think it doesn’t have that luscious sweetness that I love about applesauce. And look at the color! It doesn’t even look good!

As a whole, I am out of sorts today.  I don’t usually get like this.  I have an AA birthday coming up and one would think I am “old” enough to not get a bit crazy as it approaches, but one might be wrong about that too.

First thing this morning I drove to the park to ride my bike, and when I got on it, it didn’t feel or sound right so I stopped right away and realized both the tires are way to low to ride on.  I loaded the bike back in my car and drove home.  Later I went to the gas station and pointed my car at a pump, when another car drove in front of me and parked in front of the pump.  She got out of her car and walked into the convenience store and came back out and drove away.  She didn’t even get gas!  Who parks at a pump just to park?  Oh, the other person who does pulled in front of me at the other pump and blocked me in.   Then HE got in his car and drove away without getting gas.

I drove to the farmers market for the above apples.  While I was sitting in my car, another car parked extremely close to me which was irritating enough, but the child in the back seat just clunked his door into the side of my car.  I got out and the mother looked at me like I was insane.  There was thankfully no mark on my car.

I was speaking with my sponsor on the phone when this happened.  She suggested I go home and stay there for today.  I agree heartily.

Today was my sister’s 72nd birthday.  She died at 70, so this is the 2nd one without her.  So sad.

I made the mistake of looking at my daughter in law’s blog this morning.  Seeing my grandchildren and realizing I am not a part of their lives either.  Not the two older ones, nor the two younger ones.  I have been deliberately excluded from the two older granddaughters lives as they are in the custody of my ex-husband who won’t talk to me… he won’t be in the same zip code with me.  For example, he didn’t go to my son’s wedding because I was going to be there.  It is completely insane.  My son’s kids are not deliberately taken from me except that they live 1,000 miles away and their lives go on and I am not there.

I thought the applesauce would cheer me up.  It didn’t.  Now I shall take a walk and then sit on the sofa and knit for the remainder of the evening.

Some days just kind of need to be over.

I am grateful:

• I had enough lids at home after I purchased the wrong size at the store
• My car did not sustain any more damage
• I am healthy enough to stand on my feet all afternoon
• I had a sister for 64 years of my life
• I got to be a real grandmother for a few years of my life
• Wrinkles don’t hurt.

Seriously, dear Lord, I am grateful today.  I’ll probably be more so tomorrow.

The photo is actually from Sunday afternoon, making eggplant parmesan. I turned around and saw this sight and just thought it was so pretty. So colorful. So full of hope of a luscious meal and happy people at my table.  My daughter and her boyfriend came over and indeed, they were happy.  The bf was ecstatic at the grilled salmon, and my daughter was pretty happy about the eggplant.  It was nice.

I think I realized why I was so “out of sorts” last week.  Yesterday started with a migraine and got progressively worse from there.  I usually try to persevere with a migraine, so I carried on through my day.  First a hike, then a meeting with a sponsee, then making dinner.  I texted my daughter before she got here to tell her that I wasn’t feeling well and I was not prepared.  I was running about 2 hours behind!  My eyes were burning and my nose was running and I felt generally like I just got hit by a truck.  But they came over and it was fine and great.  The purpose of their visit was to clean my garage!  I could not bear the thought!  But her bf insisted and they went out there, he installed shelves, and they cleaned it up.  “Her” side of the garage anyway.  The side where she left most of her stuff 2 years ago when she moved to Montana.    It is a massive improvement.   Neighbors were popping in and out – to my horror!  Some thought I was having a garage sale.  Some I think were just nosy as to who these heavily tattooed people were who were  moving things in and out of my garage.   My garage is not something I want anyone to see, so I found it embarrassing.  They did give away a few of the things that we were just going to donate, and that is good.

So, I have a cold I guess.  When I woke up this morning, my eyes were so swollen they barely were open.  I look like I am 300 years old.  And I feel like it too!

Whenever I am sick, I think back to the hangover days.  They nearly killed me when I was in my 20s and early 30s… I cannot imagine what a hangover would feel like at 65.  Of course, if I had continued to drink, I don’t think being 65 would ever have been a concern.  I’d be long gone by now.

I was able to get to Sunday mass at my own church for the first time in 3 weeks!  I am so incredibly fortunate to be a part of this parish and be able to attend mass that is reverent and holy.  No crazy folk or honky tonk music, no guitars or drums.  Just sacred music.  Beautiful music.  And quiet.  People walk into my church and go kneel down and pray.  They don’t have “cocktail hour” chatter in the church before and after mass.  They do outside, but not in the church.

For months, I have been wanting to write about the fellowship I belong to.  I sat down to do it this morning, but ended up doing stream of consciousness junk blogging instead.  I think that’s all I have in me this morning.

I am now going to go sit on my sofa – in the daytime – on a weekday!  I’ll probably turn on the TV and maybe do some of this “binge” watching I hear so much about.

Sorry for this nonsense… and I’ll be better next time… promise!

So, now I start my 34th year of sobriety.  Don’t get the idea I think this is nothing, because it isn’t.  But it also isn’t my doing.  It is the Grace of God alive in my life.  Nothing short of miraculous.  Not the “rewards” of my splendid “working” of the program.  I posted this photo on Facebook yesterday and probably shouldn’t have.  Nice to hear from folks, but probably a little bit too much attention for me.  It’s dangerous for our egos, you know.  And although it probably isn’t a technical break of anonymity, it is definitely a spiritual break of anonymity.  I used to be afraid I would be struck drunk if I ever broke a tradition, but I have changed my mind about this and many other things over the years.

I am going to my favorite craft store this morning to sign up for a quilting class on Saturday.  I don’t know why they waited until 4 days before the class to announce it.  Oh well.  I am going to see how much the fabric will cost, and then factor in the $75 for the all day class… and then decide.  But I have probably already decided to do this.  I want so much to make a quilt for my bed.  In the class, you make the top of a 5′ square quilt, which will not really work for a full sized bed, but it should be pretty anyway.  I was given gift cards for this store for my birthday and retirement last year and have hung onto them all this time.  For an “emergency” just like this?

The home made yogurt is fermenting in the crock pot.  I started it before I left for mass this morning.  And now I can’t leave the house until it cools to 120º.  Then I can wrap the crock pot up in towels and let it sit for 8 to 10 hours.  After that time, it is yogurt, but is better if you refrigerate it undisturbed for another few hours.  THEN, I strain it for a few hours more until the whey strains out and it becomes greek yogurt.  And I do this a couple of times a week.  It is SO worth it.

This is my life today and I can’t think of anything I would rather do.

xxxooo, mc

I’ve been asked to share my recipe, so here you go!  It takes a long time, but is not difficult to make and it is so good, it is totally worth the time it takes.

• 1/2 gallon whole milk
• 1 6 oz. container plain, unsweetened yogurt (with live cultures)
• food or candy thermometer
• slow cooker
• 2 large towels

1. Pour milk into slow cooker.  Turn heat to high and heat to 180 degrees F.  It takes around 2 hours.

2. Turn off the slow cooker and allow milk to cool to 120 degrees F.  This also takes around 2 hours.  Measure unsweetened yogurt and allow to sit at room temperature while milk is cooling.

3.  When milk has reached 120 degrees, mix yogurt into milk and stir gently but thoroughly.

4.  Replace lid and wrap crockpot in towels.  Set it in an out-of-the-way place where the yogurt can ferment undisturbed for 6 to 8 hours or overnight.

5.  Unwrap crockpot and transfer the crock to the refrigerator to let cool completely.  Do not shake or stir.  It will set better if you leave it undisturbed.  I also think it gets more sour the longer it sets.

6.  This is where it becomes Greek:  Transfer yogurt into a cheesecloth lined strainer, placed in a bowl.  (I use a piece of unbleached muslin.). Let strain, in the refrigerator,  for several hours.  It depends on how thick you want it.  I don’t like it to be very very thick.

7.  Spoon the strained yogurt into containers for storing.  Be sure to keep 3/4 cup of the yogurt to use as the starter for your next batch.  This recipe makes about 5 cups of yogurt.  It is so good.  I think it gets better  every time I make it.  I particularly enjoy it with walnuts, a splash of vanilla, and a touch of stevia.  It is also good with fruit and all the other myriad ways we use yogurt!  Enjoy!

Sober Daughter and I canned tomatoes last week.  It was a lovely day.

I’ve had a whole bunch of lovely days.  Amazing days don’t lend themselves to blog posts as well as not so great days.

The weather has turned.  It is suddenly cold rainy fall weather.  I usually like this kind of weather, but after three days of it, I am finding it oppressive.  I tend to spend a bit of time outdoors so I feel a bit like a caged animal.

Last week I got a phone call from my former boss at my long time career job.  It seems they need my help with something and would like me to come back.  She begged me.  Seriously, begged.  She said I could work whatever days and hours I wanted, as much or as little as I wanted.  That I could stay in my office and not talk to anyone or go to any meetings, that I could just tell her what to do and she would do it.  Oh, isn’t this music to my ears?  yes.  I told her there was a large part of me that would like to say “I told you so.  Good luck.”  But a larger part of me would LOVE to come back in a limited way and work on my favorite thing.  And so I said yes.  It will probably take a month or more to get all the bureaucratic I’s dotted and T’s crossed.  We’ll see.

But I immediately feel vindicated.  Like I have a chance to change the ending of that story.  I get to add another chapter.  And I get to earn a lot of money.   I had prayed that morning that it would be nice if God could find me more money.

I am very excited and happy about this.  And anxious to get going.  I think that is why I am feeling so caged now.  There are so many things to get done and I don’t want to sit in this house and knit the project that I have come to hate.  Hate.  Hate.  And I have two of them to do.  Before Christmas.

I guess I will go back to my chair and knit.  And wait for an adventure.

I was in a triathlon on Saturday morning.  I had broken 2 ribs in August, so I had not trained.  I had kept walking daily throughout my recovery, and tried swimming and biking in the last couple of weeks and found it felt OK, so I did the race.  I knew I would be slow, because I am not running, just walking, and I hadn’t really trained.  But I did finish, and did not come in last, and wasn’t among the 20 people who did not finish, so I felt good about it.  Imagine my surprise yesterday to see some race photos where I am smiling and look happy!  So, that is what is above.  Me, walking along, feeling happy.

I think lately I may be doing a little bit of comparing my insides to other people’s outsides.  As an alcoholic, it seems there is always something that is there to fill that hole in my soul.  First it was alcohol, then drugs, then back to alcohol, then absolute abstinence from alcohol and drugs.  Then I had coffee and cigarettes, and I used both of them to wretched excess.  At seven years of sobriety, I was able, by the grace of God to quit smoking.  And as a result of that, my coffee consumption fell precipitously.  I really did like men an awful lot and relationships and dating take a lot of time and energy and sometimes make you absolutely ecstatic.  And then miserable.  In the end, that was something that I realized I would need to give up if I were to follow God as I wanted to, and felt called to.  That is difficult.  It is an entirely different lifestyle to live alone and not have any desire to have a “special someone” in your life.  Aside from God.

Through a great deal of time spent in prayer and meditation, I have realized I still am clinging to a major defect.  I like to buy things.  I like to get things.  I like to have things done.  I want what I want when I want it, pretty much.  In my working life, I could convince myself this was all OK because I worked hard for every cent I had and thought that as long as I was tithing and paying my bills, I could do what I wanted with the rest.  Sometimes that had led me into debt.  A few years ago, I was able to pay off the debt, and now I avoid it like the plague.

Recently, my neighbor and I decided to get our houses painted.  We got two different painting companies to come out and give us estimates.  Her house is much smaller than mine, so her estimate was approximately $3,500.  while mine was over $5,000.  It would be absolute folly for me to spend that much money right now, even though my house needs to be painted.  I had to say no.

It hurt me to say no.  I want a happy shiny freshly painted house like my neighbors!  Thank God I do love her enough to be happy for her.  But still pretty miserable for myself.

Then I thought about the fact that she wears jeans and men’s t-shirts every single day of her life.  She wears sneakers every day, for every activity.  She bought her house when it cost less than $100,000. and has just stayed there.  She has no debt.  She saves money.  She does not take trips to Europe and Hawaii.  She eats things like bologna sandwiches and hot dogs for dinner.   She doesn’t spend a couple grand on a bicycle just because she wants to.

This feels like the final frontier in recovery for me.  I just need to sit still and be satisfied with what I have.  I must stop thinking the next thing I purchase is going to make my life complete.   I know how untrue that is.

One day at a time.  Seriously, just like early recovery from alcoholism.  One day at a time. And doing things like unsubscribing to all the e-mails notifying me of SALE!s on everything I ever clicked on.  I can live very easily on what I have.

And I can eat soup.  And my delicious sour dough bread.  Simple.

It is time for me to knock off the acquisitiveness and covetousness.

By the Grace of God.